I Planned Our Retirement Alone… Until I Finally Showed My Husband the Numbers
What the Science Says
Retirement is often described as a financial finish line. And the research shows it’s really a relationship milestone. Especially when one partner has long been the dominant financial decision maker.
One spouse tends to take the lead in financial matters in most U.S. households, according to past research. The dominant financial decision maker tends to be confident or have past experience rather than ability (Fonseca et al., 2012). During retirement transition, this type of imbalance can lead to emotional distance and stress (Smith et al., 2018). When couples do not address this imbalance in financial planning, they tend to experience misaligned expectations and reduced financial satisfaction (Loibl & Hira, 2011).
Shame or fear of judgment prevents the non-dominant financial spouse from participating. These emotional barriers let the dominant financial spouse assume their spouse “wasn’t interested” in financial planning. The reality is that they did not feel invited into the financial planning process (Hershey & Mowen, 2000).
The assumption of a non-dominant financial spouse “wasn’t interested” can lead to harming the ultimate financial outcomes as well as an unsatisfactory financial relationship (Archuleta, 2013). The shared purpose creates trust and enhances communication. That shared purpose is needed in financial or retirement planning as the couple unites their goals.
To achieve a higher perceived well-being and retirement confidence when both partners are engaged in financial planning (Lusardi & Mitchell, 2017). Therefore, sharing the spreadsheet, data, or the story behind the numbers can make both partners feel more connected.
What I Think
Well, let me be honest, I am guilty and ashamed as the dominant financial spouse.
For decades, my husband, TC, and I divided our responsibilities like many couples do. He took charge of everything outside the house, cars, home maintenance, and property decisions. I handled everything inside the house, including our financial planning. I’d meet with our CPA and CFP alone. I thought I was doing him a favor by not burdening him with numbers and projections.
I made assumptions like:
- TC wasn’t interested.
- He wanted me to take charge of the household finances.
- He supported my financial decisions.
And for years, I carried that silent script.
When something didn’t go as planned, say, our first retirement. We moved from Connecticut to North Carolina, and those assumptions cracked open. TC assumed we were retired. He was not working for almost two years. I was building a financial planning practice that required more capital than expected, and the stress was mounting. When I told him he needed to return to work, his reaction stung. That was my wake-up call.
Fast forward to our recent 35th anniversary. It was time to open the books, literally, and show TC where we stand financially. I asked our CFP® professional, Venus, to join the conversation. Before our meeting, I walked TC through our retirement income resources. My heart was pounding. I worried he might take that as a signal to retire immediately.
Instead, I saw something I hadn’t seen in years. TC had a relaxed smile. He was relieved and proud of what we’ve accomplished.
TC used to worry that I spent too much on travel. He finally understood that we were okay. That all those years of careful planning had paid off. And I realized something, too: sharing the plan wasn’t losing control. The sharing plan was gaining our connection. Now, when we travel, he jokes (a little too openly) about our financial independence. I still beg him not to overshare with strangers. The power of transparency and humility helped us unite our retirement goals.
What You Can Do
If you’re in a relationship where one partner manages the money and the other “just lets it happen,” here’s how you can start a new conversation, without shame or blame.
- Name the Assumptions. Ask yourself: What stories am I telling myself about my spouse’s interest or ability? Maybe you assumed they weren’t interested, but they didn’t feel invited. Starting with curiosity, not criticism, creates space for honest dialogue.
- Create Emotional Safety Before Financial Transparency. Begin the retirement planning with a shared purpose. For example, what do we want our retirement to feel like? Where do we want to live? When couples align on purpose and value, they tend to have higher financial satisfaction (Archuleta & Burr, 2015). Please leave the numbers off until you get to the shared purpose.
- Seek Understanding, Not Just Agreement. One of my favorite quotes is from Stephen Covey’s “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” In retirement planning, that means asking your spouse what matters most to them. Is it security, flexibility, travel, or legacy? And listening with empathy before offering solutions.
- Bring in a Neutral Professional. A CFP® professional can serve as a translator when emotions run high. In my case, Venus helped bridge the gap between TC’s conservative (tight) nature and my square-engineer financial planner mindset. Venus served as the third-party professional. She helped us improve communication and confidence in our retirement planning (Winship & Montalto, 2020).
- Celebrate the Shared Wins. A small token of appreciation, like thank you, TC, goes a long way to get the non-financial spouse to start engaging in retirement planning. Please take the opportunity to acknowledge their courage in unfamiliar planning territory. Financial or retirement planning is more than just numbers.
Want to Learn More?
If this story resonates with you, if you’ve ever felt shame for excluding your partner, assumed they weren’t interested, or feared opening up the books, know this: you’re not alone, and it’s never too late to invite your loved one into the journey.
Retirement is not just about spending money; it’s about spending life well, together. Start by talking, not about the 401(k) or the pension, but about your shared vision for the next chapter. Then, when you’re ready, seek the guidance of a CFP® professional who can help turn that shared vision into a confident retirement income plan.
If you’d like to dive deeper, explore these resources:
- “Financial Planning for Couples” (CFP Board, 2025) – a guide for joint decision-making in later life.
- Arthur Brooks’ “How to Build a Life” column in The Atlantic – especially his piece on escaping self-obsession and cultivating joy through relationships.
- Your local CFP® professional – find one at https://www.letsmakeaplan.org/
If you’re reading this and thinking, “That’s us,” take one small step this week: share a piece of your financial story with your partner.
- A horrible loss in a popular stock: For example, Twitter was one of those for me.
- A dream: I want to travel to 30 countries by 2030. We are halfway through, and I know we can make it.
- A worry. What if our health declined? Do we have any risk management in place?
- A hope. We hope not to be a burden to our daughter.
Yes, honey, we do because of years of diligent financial planning.
Because the real wealth in retirement isn’t just the money, it’s the meaning you create together.
References
Archuleta, K. L. (2013). Couples, money, and expectations: Negotiating financial management roles to increase relationship satisfaction. Marriage & Family Review, 49(5), 391–411.
Archuleta, K. L., & Burr, E. (2015). Financial communication, satisfaction, and marital satisfaction: The importance of couples’ communication. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 26(2), 1–13.
Fonseca, R., Mullen, K., Zamarro, G., & Zissimopoulos, J. (2012). What explains the gender gap in financial literacy? The role of household decision making. Journal of Consumer Affairs, 46(1), 90–122.
Hershey, D. A., & Mowen, J. C. (2000). Psychological determinants of financial preparedness for retirement. The Gerontologist, 40(6), 687–697.
Loibl, C., & Hira, T. K. (2011). Self-directed financial learning and financial satisfaction. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 22(1), 41–59.
Lusardi, A., & Mitchell, O. S. (2017). How ordinary consumers make complex economic decisions: Financial literacy and retirement readiness. Quarterly Journal of Finance, 7(3), 1750008.
Smith, L., et al. (2018). Couples’ retirement adjustment and financial decision-making. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 39(2), 279–293.